Fears and Regrets
by TonyDiNozzo42
Summary: When Tony is shot trying to save Gibbs' life, Gibbs comes to a few realizations about how he truly feels about his senior field agent. But with the younger man in critical condition and his life hanging in the balance, can Gibbs admit his newly discovered feelings to the one man who has changed his life, or will he be too late? Slash Tony/Gibbs
1. Chapter 1

**Fears and Regrets**

**A.N: **I know I've got another fic out there and I know I promised I'd upload another chapter for it (BTWubs, I've got one in the works as we, well _I_, speak, or is it write? hmm…) but this was nagging me and I HAD to write it. so yah.

Disclaimer Note: No, I don't own NCIS and yes, I wish I did. I can only take credit for the plot and my twisted mind that wishes Tibbs would finally happen….

Warning: This is a slash story of the Tony/Gibbs variety. If that doesn't float your boat then just leave now because life is too short to be upset about stuff you read on the internet. Also, my first slash story (that I posted anyway) so be gentle please. Since it's my first stab at it, I doubt it's gonna be all inapropro, but that may change so keep an open mind :) LOVE!

Now, ON WITH THE PLOT!

The rain was coming down hard. Harder than it ever has before. Harder even than the night Kate died. It was almost like the sky was trying to wash away all the pain and horror that had taken place just hours ago.

He tried not to think about it, about everything that had gone so completely wrong, about what could have happened had he been there, by his side, where he was supposed to be.

"_Tony!" _

Gibbs clenched his eyes shut. He didn't want to think about it, about what had happened.

"_NO! Tony!"_

Growling low in his throat, Gibbs pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes, hard, trying desperately to hold back tears. Emotions were rushing through him, swirling around and around with seemingly no end. He didn't want to think about this. He really didn't. But his mind had another plan.

_*Flashback*_

_Gibbs was running. Fast. Faster than he'd ever run in his life. _

_He needed to be there, with Tony, now. Or else…he didn't want to think about that. _

_As he turned the corner running straight into the firefight, he saw Tony and Fornell's team in the alley behind dumpsters, shooting at the suspects. Gibbs quickly made his way to his SFA, his partner, his friend, his maybe 'something more'. _

_Gibbs shook his head. He needed to be in the now, not somewhere else thinking of maybe's and coulda shoulda been's._

"_Tony." The green eyes flicked up to meet his own blue. A wide grin spread across his face. _

"_Heya Boss! Bout time ya' got here." _

_Gibbs chuckled. "Was kinda busy, DiNozzo." _

_Tony smiled and Gibbs felt his insides melt. God, he had a beautiful smile. _

_A bullet suddenly grazed Gibbs' left shoulder, just barely missing his chest. Gibbs hissed and dropped to his knees behind the dumpster for cover, his hand flying up to press into the cut. _

_Tony's eyes went wide as he spun around on his knees in front of his boss. "Boss! God, are you okay? Are you hurt?" _

_Gibbs clenched his jaw and shook his head. "Fine, DiNozzo." Gibbs grunted. _

_Tony narrowed his eyes but didn't say anything. The bullets kept flying and Tony kept shooting, trying to distract the suspects. Tony managed to kill one of them leaving only two left. Gibbs could see the desperation in their eyes as they watched their friends die around them. _

"_Fornell!" Tony shouted over the craziness. Gibbs watched his long-time friend jerk his head up at DiNozzo. "We need to distract them, get them to move so we can have an advantage."_

Tobias nodded his agreement. Tony immediately started speaking into his ear wig. 

"_McGee, Ziva, make sure the surveillance van is ready to go. We've got 'em cornered and are ready to take 'em in." Gibbs heard his other agents comply through the line as the car started up, moving toward their position. This was it, the big finish. They had the suspects, now it was only a matter of if they could bring them in. _

_Suddenly, Fornell stood up, hands raised, showing he was unarmed. "I'm Tobias Fornell, FBI. We've got you surrounded. Drop your weapons and give up. This will only be harder on you if you don't." _

_They seemed to comply, so Gibbs stood and walked over with Fornell to cuff them. "Tobias." Gibbs acknowledged. _

_Fornell tipped his head. "Jethro." _

_That was when it happened. That was when Tony saw it. The flash of silver out of the corner of his eye. The gun that was pointed straight at his Boss._

"_BOSS! SHOOTER!" Tony shouted seconds before tackling Gibbs to the ground just as the sound of a gun firing sounded throughout the alley. _

_Fornell's team took down the third shooter and cuffed them all. Gibbs slowly sat up, mentally checking himself for injury. He realized he couldn't move and a few seconds later he realized why._

_Tony's lean, 6'3" frame was draped over his own. Gibbs immediately felt his chest contract. Tony wasn't moving. Hell, he wasn't even _breathing_.  
_

"_Tony?" _

_There was no response. _

_Gibbs was starting to panic. No. God please no! _

_Gibbs gently pushed Tony off of himself and turned him onto his back. That was when he noticed the blood. So much blood, pouring from a bullet hole right in the center of his chest. His entire chest was coated in the dark red liquid, soaking through his expensive, white, button up shirt._

"_Tony!" Gibbs pressed his hands into the wound, trying desperately to stave off the bleeding. Tony's eyes were wide, scared as his breath stuttered and shook. The green orbs, unusually bright, flickered to Gibbs' face and locked onto his ice blue eyes._

"_Bo—sssss." Tony hissed through the pain. He suddenly started hacking, his chest convulsing and body arching as his lungs had trouble taking in air. Gibbs suddenly felt sick. _

"_Tony, it's gonna be okay. You're gonna be fine." Gibbs' voice shook a little. Dammit, his agent was _dying_. _

_Tony smiled lopsidedly. "Liar." He whispered, eyes fluttering closed._

_Gibbs felt his breath hitch. God Tony, no. "Tony! Keep your eyes open! Come on, DiNozzo!" Tony moaned and lifted his eyelids partly open. _

"_Hurts, Boss. So much." Tony gasped as he coughed violently again. Blood dripped out the side of his mouth and down his cheek. _

_Gibbs swallowed back the emotion. "I know, Tony. God, I know." _

_Tony gasped and his body shook, his vision tunneling. _

_Gibbs leaned down and whispered into his ear. "Tony, don't you dare die on me! You hear me, Tony! Don't die on me, not now, not ever. You don't have my permission. You got me?" He felt Tony nod his head. _

"_I got—tcha, Boss." _

_Gibbs squeezed his eyes shut hard when everything started to get a bit fuzzy. When he opened them again, Tony's eyes were wide and he was staring at him like he'd never seen him clearly before. _

"_Boss?" Tony's voice was raspy. "Are you…crying?" _

_Gibbs swallowed hard and didn't answer. _

_Tony shook his head. "Why? Why cry…for me?" _

_Anger suddenly boiled up inside of him. Tony really couldn't see how much they cared about him? How much _he _cared about him? Loved him, even? _

_Gibbs sighed and looked up for a moment. When he looked back at his friend, he could see the honest curiosity in his eyes, which somehow only made him angrier. _

"_Because I care, DiNozzo. Always have." Gibbs nearly whispered. _

_Tony smiled a soft smile that made him seem year younger. _

"_Always knew ya' cared, Boss. Knew it." Tony mumbled before succumbing to unconsciousness. _

"_Tony?" Gibbs checked his pulse. It was slow. Way too slow. "Tony!" He watched in horror as his agent's chest stuttered and then stopped moving all together. _

"_NO! Tony!" _

_*End Flashback*_

Salty, hot tears were rolling down Gibbs' face, but he didn't care. He should have been there. He should have seen the shooter. He shouldn't have let Tony get shot, saving his life.

The last he'd heard from his agent, he was in ICU, critical. He came back to the office to clear his head and get outta that damn hospital. Abby had been disappointed in him and Ducky had frowned, but he knew he couldn't stand another minute of that torture.

Of waiting for news that he may or may not like. Of sitting on the hard plastic chairs or pacing the small space. Of drinking horrid slush that didn't even qualify as coffee. Of simply _not knowing_.

Not knowing if Tony was dead or alive, okay or not okay, going to recover or never going to be the same again.

These were all things that were eating at Gibbs, making the guilt worse, making the pain tenfold, making the fear intensify.

If he lost the younger man, Gibbs knew he'd never be the same again. He would be able to recover from something like that.

Gibbs jumped when his cell phone rang loudly in the silent bullpen. He immediately picked it up and answered, not bothering to look at the caller ID.

"Gibbs."

"Jethro." Gibbs tensed. Ducky sounded tired. Really tired. And sad. Too sad. Oh God. Something bad had happened. Gibbs knew it. Tony wasn't okay, his heart stopped during surgery, he lost too much blood, they couldn't bring him back, he didn't make it.

"Anthony's out of surgery." Ducky's voice brought Gibbs out of his spiral of thoughts and fears.

He jumped out of his seat. "He okay?" Gibbs was almost afraid to ask.

"Yes, he is awake and fine. The doctors feel he will make a full recovery."

Gibbs closed his eyes and sighed in relief. He's okay. He's fine. He's _alive_.

"Can I see him." Gibbs immediately grabbed his gun and badge and started making his way for the elevator. Gibbs paused. On second thought, the stairs were faster.

"Jethro, that may not be a good idea…" Gibbs was jogging down the three flights of stairs that would lead him to the parking garage.

"Why not, Duck?" Gibbs slammed his shoulder into the door and walked quickly to his car, starting it the minute he sat down and tearing out of the garage for Bethesda. He'd be damned if he wasn't going to see his agent now.

Ducky sighed. "They gave him a rather strong sedative so he may not wake. And he needs his rest. Also, Jethro, you may not like what you see." The last part was spoken quietly, but Gibbs caught it.

His knuckles were white on the steering wheel as his fingers clenched harder. "Duck?"

"Jethro, the boy has just been through a huge ordeal. He barely made it out alive. He is going to look a little rough around the edges, as you may say, for a while I'm sure."

Gibbs clenched his jaw as he screeched into Bethesda parking lot and practically ran for the recovery center. "I can handle it Duck. I'm a big boy."

"Yes of course, dear boy. But what of your feelings for the young man. You can't hide them forever, and I'm quite afraid you will let your emotions rule how you treat his recovery."

Gibbs froze as he walked into the waiting room. What? Ducky _knew_? But how….was he really that obvious? Gibbs growled in frustration. "I'll see ya' soon, Duck." Then he hung up. He would deal with that conversation later. For now, he needed to see Tony.

He walked right up to the nurses' station. "Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo."

The nurse looked up lazily. "Name?"

Gibbs growled. "Special Agent Gibbs. I'm Agent DiNozzo's medical proxy and next of kin."

The nurse sighed and clicked a few keys on the keyboard. "Room 312. He just got out of surgery."

Gibbs nodded and ran off for the room. He took a deep breath and slowly pushed it open, feeling his breath catch and his heart contract at the sight of his agent connected to endless tubes laying in the small bed.

"Tony." Gibbs sighed. "God, I'm so sorry."

TBC

**A.N.** I actually don't know what just happened or where this is going by any means, so please don't judge! This plot bunny just hit me the other day and for now I've decided I'm just gonna roll with it and see where it takes me…..LOVE!

p.s. I'll give virtual cookies to whomever decides to review this!

p.p.s I feel there aren't enough tibbs lovers and writers out there. Anyone else agree that there is WAY too much Tiva? I mean, I love it and all, but it's a little overkill ya know?

Anyway, bye for reals! :)


	2. Chapter 2

Silence. Thick, suffocating silence.

The only sounds that could be heard in the small room was the hissing of the breathing tube pumping precious oxygen into the occupant of the room's lungs and the beeping of countless machines surrounding him.

It was quiet. Too quiet.

It was eerie how quiet the room was. Not a sound could be heard through the doors and into the hospital room or out the window by the bed. Nothing.

He was still. Too still.

Gibbs didn't like seeing Tony like that. Silent, unmoving, pale, _sickly_.

It just wasn't Tony.

Tony's energy was almost larger than life. He could be focused and determined when he set his mind to it; he was brave, courageous and fiercely loyal. Gibbs knew that the frat brother playboy persona was a mask Tony pasted on to hide his deep seated insecurities and fears.

But Tony was never _this_ still. Even when he showed overwhelming discipline and determination during a particularly difficult case, he was never _this_ quiet, _this _silent.

Hell, even when he was sleeping, he was moving. He jerked in his sleep and sometimes mumbled to himself. Gibbs had learned this from the many times the younger man had slept on his couch or in his spare bedroom after a night of cowboy style steaks, bourbon, beer, basement and the boat.

He always thrummed with this hidden energy, this strange kind of happiness, joyfulness, determination. Tony was one of a kind.

That was why it felt all wrong to see him like this.

He looked so small and helpless in the hospital bed. The sheets were pulled up to his waist. He was wearing blue scrubs and Gibbs could see the wires poking out from under the pasty shirt which rode up a little, exposing the flat expanse of smooth, unmarred, tanned, _perfect_ skin and the bottom edge of the white, gauze bandage covering the bullet wound.

He had an IV tube in his left wrist, feeding him some cocktail of drugs to hold off infections and diseases. The tube was to make sure he didn't get pneumonia, something he was much more susceptible to after he'd had the plague.

He'd also lost a lot of blood; from what he'd gathered from what little the doctors had said and what Ducky had said, they'd lost him once in the ambulance and two more times in surgery.

Three times.

Three times his heart had stopped.

Three times he had _died_ and the doctors had managed to bring him back.

Three times Gibbs had almost lost Tony, for good.

His face looked gaunt. He was pale, too pale, and his eyes had dark shadows under them, bruising his sunken in cheeks. It was amazing what one bullet could do.

Tony still hadn't woken up.

He'd fallen into a coma when they'd lost him the third time. The doctors had said his body just couldn't take it anymore, take that abuse on his heart, so his brain had shut down and shut off to protect itself.

That's what the doctors had said.

They also said there was a good chance he'd never wake up. _Never_. What a final word. Like _death_. That was a final word too.

One bullet.

One bullet and one heart was broken while another was stopped, multiple times at that.

One bullet to end something that hadn't even begun. Just one. Who knew what one bullet could do?

Gibbs had been sitting beside Tony for nearly 8 hours straight. The minute he'd walked in he hadn't left. Gibbs had dozed in the hard, unforgiving plastic chair by the man's bed and held Tony's hand. But every time he woke up, Tony was still unconscious.

About and hour after he first came in and took up permanent residence by his bed, a nurse had come in and explained visiting hours were over and that he needed to leave. He had been adamant to stay, protesting that he was a federal agent, that he was the younger man's next of kin, medical proxy, best _friend_.

Countless things; anything to let him stay. At first, she'd been uneasy. But after some prodding, she'd relented and left the room. She came back five minutes later with one of the reclining chairs in the waiting room, stating that as long as he wasn't leaving, he at least needed a more comfortable chair to relax in.

Gibbs had smiled wearily and taken the chair gratefully. Then he'd settled down for a long wait.

He had done nothing more than alternate sipping coffee that his agents and Abby brought to him at regular intervals when they came to visit Tony and staring at the younger man, holding his hand, silently willing him to wake up, to show life in that too still form, pale face and beautiful green eyes that sparkled with mirth.

He wanted his Tony back.

_Talk to him_, they'd said. _It may help him. He may wake up faster. _

Right, Gibbs thought almost sarcastically. Talking to an unconscious, unresponsive Tony _might_ help him. Key word here: _might_.

Gibbs sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. Well, he didn't have anything to lose. What would it hurt to talk to the man, especially if this was going to be the last time he could see him, talk to him, _alive_.

Gibbs swallowed hard at that thought. _No! Don't think like that. He's gonna make it, he'll be fine. _

Gibbs leaned forward in the chair. He cleared his throat. "Um, hey DiNozzo." Gibbs rubbed his hand through his hair, trying desperately not to think how stupid this was. "The doctors said that talking to coma patients helps them get better, so I guess I'm gonna try with you." He chuckled. "Although, with you DiNozzo, I'm not sure how much it'll help. You seem to attract trouble, like a damned magnet."

Silence. Awkward silence. And the hissing of the breathing tube.

Gibbs sighed. This was stupid. So stupid. What's the point? Tony can't respond even if he wanted to. Even if he was awake.

Gibbs groaned and leaned forward. He leaned his forehead against Tony's arm and squeezed his hand a little.

He felt Tony's hand move in his. Surprised, Gibbs jerked back and away from Tony's ear and stared at the younger man's unmoving face. His eyelids flickered.

Elated at the signs of movement, Gibbs encouraged him. "That's it Tony, come one, wake up. You can do it."

The hand moved again. Then nothing. Gibbs sighed. "Yah, figured it couldn't be that easy. Not with you anyway." Gibbs leaned back in the chair, still holding Tony's hand.

#####################################################

Gibbs jerked awake, not even realizing he'd fallen asleep in the first place. Looking around, Gibbs tried to figure out what woke him up. Then he felt the bed moving and heard a moan.

He immediately looked over at Tony and was surprised to see the younger man in such distress. His brows were creased and he was sweating and panting.

He heard another moan.

That's when it hit him; Tony was having a nightmare.

Gibbs immediately moved to Tony's side and tried to calm him down. The machines were going crazy, beeping loudly and fast. He noticed that in the dream, Tony had somehow knocked the IV loose. Gibbs wouldn't be surprised if the nurses came running in here any second.

"Tony!" Gibbs shouted. "Tony, stop! Wake up, it's just a dream!" There was no response.

Gibbs growled and instinctively gave him a gentler version of his usual headslap. "DiNozzo! Stop!" The jerking stopped. The beeping stopped. Tony calmed down completely. Gibbs breathed a sigh of relief.

Tony's eyelids started to flicker. Gibbs leaned closer, studying the man's face. All of a sudden, Gibbs was looking into the stunning green of his agents' eyes. Tony looked around and his gaze caught on Gibbs'. He looked surprised to see him.

Gibbs smiled and shook his head. "Hey, DiNozzo. Finally decided to join the land of the living?" Tony's eyes brightened and he seemed to be smiling the best he could around the tube in his throat.

Gibbs chuckled. "It's good to see those eyes." He whispered, mostly to himself, but Tony seemed to have heard him if the shocked and confused look Tony was giving him was anything to go by.

They were interrupted by medical staff and personnel rushing into the room. The doctor was surprised and relieved to see Tony awake. "Oh, good! Your awake." He glanced over at Gibbs and noticed how close he was to the bed. "How'd you get him to wake up?"

Gibbs shrugged. "Head slapped him."

The doctor chuckled. "Very unconventional, but seeing as it worked I'm not complaining."

Just then, Ducky walked in. "Yes, well Jethro is a very unconventional man." When he noticed Tony staring at him, he grinned. "It's very good to see you awake, dear boy."

Tony nodded.

Tony looked up and met Gibbs' eyes, then pointed at the tube. Gibbs understood and looked at the doctor. "He wants the tube out."

The doctor nodded. "Right, we'll do that right away then. That shouldn't be too much trouble." He glanced over at one of the nurses. "Could you help me, please?" she nodded and together they were able to carefully remove the tube from Tony's throat.

Tony winced when it was gone and swallowed a couple times. The doctor noticed. "Yes, it's certainly going to be a little uncomfortable and painful. Could you try talking for me?"

Tony cleared his throat and swallowed again. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He looked at the doctor worriedly.

He shook his head and looked around, then handed Gibbs a plastic cup full of ice chips. "Here, Agent Gibbs, give Tony a few ice chips." He looked at Tony. "Now, Tony, swallow slowly. Suck on the ice a little and it should help your throat."

Tony opened his mouth and Gibbs placed an ice chip on his tongue. Tony sucked on it and swallowed very slowly. When he opened his mouth again to speak, his voice came out choked and hoarse. "Hey." He winced. Gibbs noticed and gave him some more ice, which Tony sucked on gratefully.

He tried again. "When can I – leave?" Tony coughed a little and scrunched his eyes.

The doctor looked bewildered. "Well, I have to check you're vitals now and make sure nothing else could and will go wrong. I want to keep you here in observation and if everything seems fine then you can leave in at least a day."

Tony grimaced at the bad news. Gibbs shook his head. "Could be worse, DiNozzo." _A lot worse. You could be dead._ Gibbs finished to himself. He didn't say that part out loud.

The doctor smiled. "Now, we should probably see what you remember. Concussions are dangerous and mixed with a coma I wouldn't be surprised if you had some slight memory loss."

Tony's eyes showed the concern as his gut twisted. Memory loss?

The doctor cleared his throat. "Now, what's the year?"

Tony opened his mouth and choked out. "2012." Gibbs gave him another ice chip which Tony sucked slowly until it melted down his throat.

The doctor nodded. "Correct. Who's the president?"

"O—bama."

"Right. Where do you work?"

"NCIS." Tony coughed. Nodding, the doctor looked around and then pointed to Gibbs.

"Who's that?"

Tony squinted at Gibbs. "Agent McGee."

Gibbs glanced at the doctor. Suddenly, Tony grinned.

Still grinning, Tony looked up at Gibbs. "How could I forget you, Boss."

Chuckling, Gibbs shook his head. "He's fine."

The doctor smiled. "Yes he certainly does seem fine. I'm actually surprised how well he's doing under the circumstances."

Gibbs smirked. "That's Tony for you. Got a hard head."

Tony smiled. "You would know, Boss. I think you've hit me harder than any concussion I've ever gotten. Probably should have some brain injury, a deformity or something." Tony rubbed the back of his head like he expected to find something wrong with it.

Gibbs didn't say anything but hid a smirk around a sip of coffee.

The doctor chuckled. "Yes well, I think seeing as how you're doing so well, you can probably be out of here by tomorrow, at the latest."

Tony smiled that famous DiNozzo smile. "Alright!" He pumped a fist in the air and grinned over at Gibbs, his face showing the genuine happiness.

Gibbs shook his head and chuckled. It was good to see Tony smile like that. That was the happiest Gibbs had seen the younger man in a long time.

The doctor smiled. "If you two gentlemen don't mind I have some other patients to attend to." The doctor looked at Tony. "Tony, some nurses will be here in about an hour to take you to your CT scan." Tony nodded. The doctor said goodbye and then walked out of the room.

#####################################################

Author's Note: Sorry for the long wait guys, I've been busy. Know there's really no excuse and no coincidences, as Gibbs would no doubt say, but I'm trying here.

Read and Review!

Love,

TonyDiNozzo42


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